I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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