You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
