1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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