What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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