I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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