SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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