I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
