I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
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the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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