At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
