Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
