I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
