Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
