I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
