I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
