she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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