mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
