dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I touched a dick in church today
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
