wakey wakey hands off snakey
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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