Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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