Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
