Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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