my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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