Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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