And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
