So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
