What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
