the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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