My hand turned me down
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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