He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The uberlube is also flammable
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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