i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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