Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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