Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
