She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
