did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
