My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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