Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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