Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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