Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
