youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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