Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
