i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This is my gift to your gina
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
