i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
