Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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