and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
