My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
