When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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