I think im going to throw up on grandma
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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