you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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