Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
