I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
