I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
