One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
