Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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