Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
