I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
