I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
